(Editor’s Warning: This article contains language that prudish readers may find offensive. Proceed at your own risk.)
“Nuestro mal lo debemos á nosotros mismos, no echemos la culpa á nadie.” (Rizal, from El Filibusterismo)
First, a few words about Flipland and the Flips. Flipland is an island republic located in Southeast Asia. It is inhabited by Latinos and ruled by Africans. The citizens of Flipland are called Flips. Although they share the same ethnicity with their next-door neighbours to the south, they are Latinos only in the sense that more than 300 years of colonial domination by the Spaniards left them with a culture that has more in common with inhabitants of the South American continent several thousand miles away than with their Asian kin living nearby. The Africans that rule them, being Flips themselves are Africans simply because they emerge from the same mold that produced Mobutu Sese Seko, Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin etc…
The Flips are divided into tribes, the biggest of which are The Idiots. Idiots are Flips who stay to waste most of their lives in Flipland. This tribe is divided into two subgroups: the mildly idiotic and the hopelessly idiotic. As it takes a modicum of intelligence to recognize that one is an idiot, the individual so favored belongs to this first group. The Mild Idiots are those who write letters to editors, march bearing placards along the streets of Anus Mundi, the capital of Flipland, and join protest rallies seeking improvements in the way their African masters run the affairs of society. They comprise an insignificant portion of The Idiot tribe and since they are Idiots just the same, nothing they do ever succeed. Members of the second group, the Hopeless Idiots, have absolutely no intelligence at all. Unaware that they are idiots, they think of themselves as normal. And indeed, the tribe of Hopeless Idiots’ overwhelming numbers make them the dominant group, thereby constituting the norm in all measures of human traits and accomplishments which in Flipland society are characterized by the sheer absence of one and the other. In this state of affairs, the rise of Africans as leaders of Flipland is an inevitable development. The absolute numerical superiority of the tribe of Hopeless Idiots ensure the Africans’ election to public office. This voting power bodes well for the Africans, their wives, children, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, in-laws and pets. Flipland has become a dynastic democracy and will remain to be so as the Hopeless idiots, while totally bereft of intellect, are gifted with fertility giving their African masters a solid and permanent base of support.
The non-idiots among the Flips are those who have left the country.
A deeper understanding of Flip culture cannot be achieved without looking at their religion which in its present form is a by-product of Flipland’s colonial history. The Flips, specially the Hopeless Idiots, call it “religion” but it’s actually superstition; it consists of ascribing magical (they call it “miraculous”) powers to statues and icons whose occasional display in processions send the Hopeless Idiots in their millions into a frenzied orgy of fanaticism (they call it “devotion”), elbowing their way through an ocean of stinking bodies that are pulling a wooden statue, for the purpose of touching it or wiping their kerchiefs over it. During the period called Lent, some go to the extreme of having themselves nailed to the cross to re-enact the crucifixion as a means of expiation for past sins (and with a clean slate, proceed to commit more sins in the future.) For the idiots of both tribes who are not so inclined to involve themselves in the dramas just described, there are the tame and consistently boring ceremonials held every week, performed by their pastors costumed in flowing robes and gowns making time-worn choreographic motions of the body. Regular attendance to such rituals is the mark of a pious Flip which is not lost to the ruling African class.
And so, in Flipland the spectacle of a corrupt, and possibly murderous, politician regularly attending church services is rather common. Such politicians, not satisfied with being seen in places of public worship, extend church ambiance to their homes and offices with religious icons and statues at every corner. The number of religious objects in government buildings and houses of politicians is directly proportional to their greed for wealth and power.
It will be noted that there is a great deal of theatre in the practice of Flipland superstition. It is not surprising that this is carried over into their political exercises where the influence of showbiz reaches its climax. Just as the Hopeless Idiots mistake a random statistical happenstance as a miracle, the same people mistake the heroic characters they see on the screen as the real manifestation of their favourite actors who eventually rise to their African status as political leaders of Flipland. The Tribe of Hopeless Idiots, by its very nature, cannot distinguish between reality and films.
And now let’s take Flipland’s government; Flipland has the semblance of a democratic government with executive, legislative and judicial branches. It is a unitary state where all branches of government are supposed to be co-equal but in reality the Chief Executive is more equal than the rest. Despite the proliferation of political parties in Flipland, the alliances among them serve to simplify the contention within the political arena between two competing groups of Africans — the Pricks and the Assholes. The Pricks form the administration party while the Assholes make up the opposition. The Pricks fuck the nation while the Assholes crap on the nation. The interaction between Pricks and Assholes revolves around the theme of Pricks doing their best to remain Pricks and avoid becoming Assholes, while Assholes exert all their strength to become Pricks and make Assholes out of Pricks. The reason for this is obvious: there are qualitatively greater advantages in being a Prick than being an Asshole. The erotic pleasure an Asshole gets out of a good shit is nothing compared with the venereal pleasure that accompanies the ecstasy that comes with every orgasmic thrust at the conclusion of a good fuck. But the difference in the actual pleasures that Pricks and Assholes derive from fucking or crapping on the nation is in the size of the monetary gain that such activities provide the Africans; Pricks receive a lot more than Assholes with a reasonable assurance of immunity from prosecution while they remain Pricks. Assholes are not so privileged. The recent past has driven home the lesson learned from the trial of the highest judicial personality in Flipland who started off as a Prick and ended up an Asshole. He got buggered.
The Chief Executive is known as “The Big Dick” by virtue of his being the leader of all Pricks. The Big Dick is assisted by his appointees who run the departments under his wing and are known as “Dickies”. Heading the Dickies is the “Little Dick” which may or may not refer to his size. While the Dickies are appointed officials, the Flipland constitution calls for another Dick that is elected simultaneously with the Big Dick. He is the Spare Dick. Once the Big Dick becomes eternally flaccid before his term is over, the Spare Dick takes over and continues with the coition of the nation. In Flipland it’s coitus uninterruptus.
The legislative body of Flipland is known in its native tongue as the “Babuyan Pambansa”. The Babuyan has two chambers; the upper house known as the “Pugad ng mga Baboy” and the lower one called “Pugad ng mga Biik”. The members are addressed as “Kagalang-galang na Baboy (or “Biik”, as the case may be.) The bills passed by the Babuyan Pambansa are referred to as “Kababuyan”, especially when it’s the National Appropriation. Although provided by law, members of Flipland’s Babuyan Pambansa have no need of salaries.
While other countries have rule of law as the basis of their judicial system, in Flipland it’s the rule of lawyers. Cases are decided not on their merits but on the lawyers handling them. Close connection with the Big Dick is a law firm’s passage to the portals of Flipland’s judicial heaven. But whether connected or not, a Flip lawyer, if he has to have a successful practice, must have a sound knowledge of pricing strategy relative to the cases he is handling. Flipland, after all, is a capitalist country and justice in the eyes of its African rulers, be they pricks or assholes, is a commodity.
In looking at Flipland’s system of government, two sayings should always be in mind:
When money talks, even angels listen. As there are no angels in Flipland, everything is cheap. Except electricity. Pecunia non olet. (Money does not stink.)
It will not therefore surprise the reader that through the years the Flips have finally developed a universal sign language with their hands that they use in civic ceremonies that distinguishes the rulers, i.e., the Africans, from the ruled, i.e. the Idiots. It consists of an arm upraised with the fist clenched; the Africans extend the middle finger up while the Idiots insert the thumb between the index and middle fingers. With this gesture, the divide is graphically illustrated and the story of Flipland is told. (All right reserved)